I hate film festivals

You will be hard pressed to find a more masturbatory, self important venue filled with pretentious fucking losers…and yes, I’m one.

They’re designed to be a celebration of the art form of cinema. A place where like minded individuals gather to indulge in a common passion and promote a dialogue on one of the most influential art forms of the last 100 years. But it seems to me that they become more and more a place for the no talent local yahoos of whatever town is hosting the festival with a camera and a contrived idea based on a dick joke to showcase their “work” in some grand circle jerk for an audience mostly comprised of the idiots involved so they can all snicker, pat themselves on the back, and feel like their meaningless empty lives have some sort of point.

How about trying to rub those two brain cells you have left together and do something that has an inkling of substance.

Try and say something.

Our culture has many facets. Some of which I strongly disagree with, but who am I to say they are wrong? As an intelligent open minded thinker, I cannot, however I can make them the object of my scorn. The desire to be famous, the desire to be adored by those around you, to have your praises sung by the plebs, these are legitimate reasons for wanting to be a filmmaker. Baseless and idiotic, but legitimate all the same. Film making is a tool of mass communication. As our world becomes more integrated, more connected, and as the tools for mass communication become easier and easier to obtain by the populace, there is an exponential increase in vapidity.

STOP!!! PUT THE CAMERA DOWN!!!

Now think.

Look at the world around you. Try and really examine the problems of our human condition and comment on them. Try to bring a new way of thinking to the rest of the world. Say something meaningful.

THAT is constructive.

THAT is good film making.

And now a lesson in short film making…

I’ve been making short films for 20 years now. And in that time I have been guilty of many of the no-no’s I’m about to impart to you. So please, learn from my mistakes.

The art of short film making is unique. You should never approach making a short film in the same manner as making a feature film. For one reason: IT’S SHORT!

Everyone cuts their teeth making short films. EVERYONE. Steven Spielberg made short films as a kid, long before he became a big time Hollywood director. Now that he is a big time Hollywood director, he doesn’t make short films anymore. I say this because, if you’re making a short film, most likely you’re not a big time Hollywood director.

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHO YOU ARE.

They came to see a story, not some asshole with his dick in his hand. So, STOP WITH THE HOUR LONG INTRO CREDITS!!!

Famous stars DO do short films. So if you managed to bag Philip Seymour Hoffman for your short, by all means plaster that before the show starts, it’s a marketing tool.

BUT NO ONE KNOWS OR FUCKING CARES ABOUT…Starring Tom Smith.

Tom who?

Just get on with the fucking show, already!!

A short film should begin with the title and that is IT. Short films are all about getting on with it. Jump right in and tell that fucking story. Smack them in the face with your awesome movie, not your 12 inch dick. After the film, have a modest and accurate credits segment. Try and not repeat names over and over again. It looks like bragging, and everyone knows that people who like to brag a lot have tiny shriveled balls the size of peas and their mommy never loved them.

MAKE IT ABOUT THE MOVIE, NOT YOU!!!

Cheers,

-D